What are the Basics of Couples Counselling?

January 15, 2025

Starting anything for the first time can seem overwhelming and intimidating. I am going to break down the basics of couples counselling, what to expect, the reasons people go into couples counselling, and some general information. I want to make note that I am certified and utilise the Gottman framework for couples counselling and will be writing from that perspective, while I would like to acknowledge that there are various other couples counselling modalities.

What to expect

Let’s start by getting really practical: what is this going to be like when starting out? Specifically at Virtual Connect we start by offering a free consultation with a counsellor to determine if they are the right fit to support you on your couples counselling journey. With both partners present, this gives you the opportunity to ask the counsellor any questions that you might have, as well as determine if you feel that this person will be the right fit for you both to work with.

The first appointment is a chance for you to share the history of your relationship, how you met, what caused the initial sparks, your favourite things about your partner. By taking a trip down memory lane this gives the counsellor a well rounded picture of the progression of your relationship to this point.

The next appointments are individual sessions, this gives each person in the relationship a space to be heard independently from their partner, where they are able to express the various elements of the relationship alone. These conversations can be really helpful to share the intimate concerns that you would like to address through the counselling process. We will also discuss how you might like to have these concerns brought up in the counselling session with your partner, as I have a rule that whatever is discussed during these individual appointments is always brought back up with their partner to support open communications without secrets. I will note that this is my individual rule as a counsellor, however other counsellors may approach this differently. 

Once the initial intake appointments are done, then everyone comes back together to review what has come from the information-gathering appointments and we can then move into the next stage of the counselling process. This part of the counselling process starts to become more personalized based on what the needs of that individual couple are. This can range from addressing the concerns that the couple has presented, identifying the strengths that exist within the relationship and building on those, and working on some of the Gottman relationship-building tools including patterns of communication.  There are multiple activities and interventions that can be practised when using Gottman’s couples counselling for you to take home and practice with your partner between sessions and after our work together comes to an end.

The research behind Gottman’s couples counselling

I want to review some of the research behind the Gottman Method of couples counselling. This modality was developed by a husband-wife team, John and Julie Gottman, who through their own research and clinical experience established the 7 principles for making a marriage work (Zahl‐Olsen, Thuen, & Bertelsen, 2024). These 7 principles are: sharing love maps, nurturing fondness and admiration, turning towards each other, letting your partner influence you, solving your problems, overcoming gridlock and creating shared meaning together (Zahl‐Olsen, Thuen, & Bertelsen, 2024). These principles were developed through studying couples in what was called the ‘love lab’ to see what elements helped to bring couples together and what is needed for a healthy and happy long-term relationship. Based on the findings, the Gottman couples counselling method was developed to help couples work on the main concerns that they identified and work towards developing the skills that they saw to be present in successful relationships. When the Gottman method has been used, participating couples identified significant improvements compared to the control group (Zahl‐Olsen, Thuen, & Bertelsen, 2024). 

I would like to dive into some practical understandings of one of the 7 principles of making a marriage work. One that I believe to be important is the turning towards each other, because in our fast-paced environment, I feel that this one can get away from couples. This is the small bids for connection throughout the day that help to bring couples together. Simple things, like putting your phone down to fully hear what your partner is saying, taking a moment to greet them when they get home from work, and having those general acknowledgements throughout the day that the things that they are doing and saying are of interest and importance to you.

Some tools and practical examples

I want to close out this blog with an example that I often use to display miscommunication. When people are in long term relationships we will sometimes play the role of the “mind reader”, assuming that you know what your partner is going to do or say before they act, because you know them so well. This can be comforting, but can also be problematic when we assume that people are going to repeat patterns and behaviours that have caused issues in the past. Using ‘I hear’ and ‘I feel’ statements in a relationship can be very helpful for healthy communication. ‘I feel’ statements are really powerful because it gives you the chance to identify how you are feeling in a particular situation and helps to move away from blaming and accusing your partner. While ‘I hear’ statements help to clarify where there might be misunderstandings. This is one of my favourite examples to share in couples counselling. One partner gets home from work and says ‘I am hungry’. Immediately the other partner hears them say they want dinner now, and starts to get irritated and expresses how they have had a long day and haven’t had time to cook yet. This immediately sets the tone for the night of irritation, a lack of understanding, frustration, and tension. I am going to now try to explain that same situation using the ‘I hear’ statements. One partner comes home from work and says ‘I’m hungry’ the other partner responds by stating ‘I am hearing that you are saying that you wish I had dinner ready’. This now gives the other partner a chance to clarify if that is what they meant or not. In this case the partner says ‘I didn’t know you were making dinner tonight, I was just going to grab a snack, but let me know what I can do to help’. This is a very simple example to show that what we hear is not always what our partner is actually saying, and shows the importance of clarifying what you are hearing from your partner and how that can adjust and set a more positive tone for the evening.

 It’s never the wrong time to start 

All couples, regardless of how long they’ve been together or what stage of life they are in, can benefit from couples counselling! Whether it’s frequent bickering, gridlock issues you can’t seem to move past, habits that irritate one another, something that feels not quite right, or even if things feel great – we have tools to share with you to implement in your relationship! 

At Virtual Connect we have multiple counsellors who are able to support you through your couples counselling journey, using Gottman’s couples counselling interventions as well as other modalities. Reach out regarding our couples counselling packages and see how couples counselling can impact your relationship this year! Connect with us at info@virtualconnect.ca.

References

Zahl‐Olsen, R., Thuen, F., & Bertelsen, T. B. (2024). The effectiveness of the in‐person and online Gottman Seven Principles Couple Enhancement Program: A propensity score matching design. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 50(4), 882–898. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12726